The fourth high point of my spiritual life, which leads to my great passion to see Spiritual Reformation today, was when I invited Jesus to be Lord of my heart.
I was a student at Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, Kentucky when I recognized my head was controlling my heart. I was keeping God at a safe distance. Yes, I was a Christian since age 13, but something significant happened to me 15 years later at age 28 that has changed my life and perspective.
I term this as when I invited “Jesus to be Lord of my heart.” Not part of me, but I wanted Jesus to have all of me! I still do! Some might term this as “God’s second work of grace” or “Being filled with the Spirit” or even “Perfect love” as John Wesley taught about. I’m not so caught up with the term as I am with the reality in my life.
Here now is my full story:
JESUS, LORD OF MY HEART
Jerry Coleman
My head controlled my heart. I really noticed this at the memorial service of past Asbury Theological Seminary president, Frank Bateman Stanger. Getting the next assignment done on time dominated my thoughts and goal for that spring morning in 1986. But the library doors were locked! RATS! So I reluctantly headed for the balcony of beautiful Estes Chapel to pull out my books.
Well, the service proceeded quite nicely, I notice while peeking over my books. And WOW! What wonderful affirmations of a godly man! To my surprise - I wanted to respond in tears. I was moved.
Hold on! My head – you know, that intellectual, fear warning device – went off. What would these people around you think?! "Cry baby seminarian!" Besides, I learned as a child, "Men don't cry. Men don't show emotion." And my head controlled my heart as it had for many years, ever since I would get sent to my room for emotional temper tantrums. My reasoning, careful, calculating mind shouted the orders to my submissive emotional center. Choked it down, in other words.
I am afraid of what people think, of what they say, of my acceptance or rejection. The soldiers at "Operation Appreciation" seemed to accept me.
My "project" for evangelism class involved my being a witness to soldiers whisked away from boot camp for three hours to "Operation Appreciation" in Louisville. The first hour was entertainment with games, singing and a lot of fun. The second hour inspired to 250 plus soldiers to seek relationship with God in heaven with the singing of a couple of hymns and a message about Jesus. The third hour was for evangelists like me to seek men who needed to hear more about Jesus, to pray with them while being served sloppy Joes, potato chips and Kool-Aid.
Well, I took my plate of food, sat with some soldiers, talked sports, boot camp and homemade food, got another helping of sloppy Joes, Kool-Aid and potato chips before the sergeant called his troops back to the buses. Afterwards, the staff gathered in a circle to pray and share spiritual victories. I kept pretty quiet with my two plates of food and juicy conversations. But Anne quietly spoke up describing the five men who gave their lives to Jesus!
Wow! Victory! Wow! What's different about her? I've noticed the power of God in her life, lacking in mine. I Timothy 3:5 comes to mind - "having the form of godliness but denying its power." I had the right focus, but where was the power in my life? I knew the right moves and lingo but fell short in the passion. I was friendly, but sacrificial love fell short. I could judge and evaluate people, and even influence them for good. But I lacked love. You know – that deep pervasive always giving love.
OK, I was raised in a loving Christian home with wonderful parents. I attended church, Sunday School, and mid week activities since I was two weeks old. I was pursuing full time ministry after three and a half years in my dad's business. But my head still controlled my heart. I was a Christian - a follower of Christ, but my righteous head dominated my life.
The roughly 2.5 billion people lost in the world was a number I had to remember for a test. Weeping over these or even one of the needy would never get past the control of my properness. But Anne was different. What was it? I had to talk to her.
Fortunately, my Honda needed air conditioning work done in Louisville. I called Anne and made an appointment. Bingo! But after a couple hours of questions and probing about what she had and I didn't, she threw a question at me I didn't know how to get back with her.
"Jerry, we've talked about religious things for several hours now. You've mention the name of God once or twice, but never the name of Jesus. Why is that?"
What do I say? What do I do? And my portable cerebral computer raced to find the answer. Finally it stopped on one thing my professor, Dr. Donald Joy said one time. He said, "Sometimes when we use the language of God, we refer to the celestial being in the heavenly realms." You know – the distant, powerful creator of the world. He went on to say, "When we use the language of Jesus Christ we refer to the son of God who died for our sins and makes it possible to be in right relationship with the Father in heaven."
"But when we us the language - Jesus - we refer to the intimate relationship we have with him." Intimate? Hey, I'd say we were close. Fifteen years ago I gave my life to Jesus Christ! Intimate? Vulnerable? Hmm, if I was really honest, I'd have to say I keep him at a safe distance. Safe. Comfort Zone. I am uncomfortable speaking the name of Jesus. My heart is not yet free. All this went through my computer in the few seconds following Anne's question.
Then, POW! It hit me! It all came together! The picture was clear! The Holy Spirit showed me! Maybe I've never made Jesus, Lord of my heart.
My head began arguing this point. (Of course.) Wait, you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior at age 13! And before that as a child you were very sensitive to God and desired Him in your life! Here you are, a seminarian, pursuing the ministry. You're OK. You have enough of God.
But my heart cried out for more of God. To be set free!
So finally I uttered the words, "Anne, maybe I've never really made Jesus, Lord of my heart."
And she said the most dramatic, wonderful thing in response. "Well, Jerry, would you like to pray and make Jesus, Lord of your heart?"
Of course my head said, "No." But my heart longed to say, "Yes." And now my barriers melted down to a "Yes" and we prayed. A simple prayer. I can't really remember what we prayed. But it went something like this, "Oh Jesus, take full control of my life, my head, my heart. Fill me. Consume me. Forgive me. I say YES to you!"
After praying I looked up and people had changed! Students walked by in that lounge and I saw hearts walking around. Oh, I used to look at people with judgment, sizing up each one: tall - short, smart - dumb, skinny - not so skinny (OK fat was the real work that came to mind), desirable - undesirable, and etc. Oh, forgive me Lord. But now I see hearts! People who have degrees of emptiness, loneliness, love deficits, emotional pain and hurt.
Love and joy flooded me! I was set free! Jesus set me free! And I've never been the same! It's like trying to get a drink of water with a Dixie cup at the bottom of Niagara Falls without getting wet. Love just spills all over and I couldn't keep it in.
On my drive home from Louisville, I turned onto Route 60 and all the sudden a thought kept coming to my mind, "Stop at Tom's and pray with him." "Stop at Tom's and pray with him." I pictured Tom's big beautiful home set in the middle of a large horse farm just like you might picture a Kentucky horse farm. The house has the big white pillars. So who was I to knock on the door and say I want to pray with you. Yet incessantly, "Stop at Tom's and pray with him," the Voice kept saying as my rational mind kept arguing who, what, why, when, and why now? Whose is this Voice anyway - God's or mine?
After ten miles of arguing I pulled into his driveway hoping he wouldn't be home. Thankfully his wife answered the huge door and I said something like, "Tom isn't here, is he?" "Sure, come right in," I heard as my knees knocked. In the family room I said, "I was driving along Route 60 and I just felt I needed to stop and pray with you. Is there anything I can pray for?" And to my surprise he unloaded a deep concern. I suddenly knew why I had stopped. I voiced a prayer and kept praying through the days and weeks.
The next day, Tuesday, I plugged into my normal schedule with three classes. I sat down in my seat as usual in Evangelism with Dr. Crandall. It didn't take long until I felt - BOOM, BOOM, BOOM - "Stand up Jerry." "Stand up and tell what happened to you yesterday." The Voice. My heart. My heart said "Yes" but my head said "No way! I'd look like a fool!" "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM - STAND UP, JERRY." I couldn't get away from it. Finally, I stood up. "Excuse me, Dr. Crandall. I hate to interrupt class, but I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday." "OK, Jerry, come on up front," he quickly responded. The class of 70 waited as I walked to the front.
"Yesterday, Jesus filled my heart. I made Jesus Lord of my heart and He has filled my heart with love. I love you all and I really feel like going down the aisle and giving you each a hug." I ended with tears, giving my professor a big hug and sat back down. I did it.
Inhibition used to rule my life. Whether it be from giving someone a hug or saying "Amen" in church I tried to find the comfortable way out. Yet it felt so wonderful to be obedient to the Voice! He spoke, I obeyed.
And I went on to my second class, Christian Education with Dr. Burgess. I sat in my usual seat preparing for the lecture when all the sudden - BOOM, BOOM, BOOM - "Stand up, Jerry." My heart again began to race. The palms of my hands sweated. And I could not escape "Stand up, Jerry." What do you do when you clearly hear the Voice of God? How do you know it's the Voice of God? My head said, "No." My heart said, "Yes." And we usually have 5 to 7 seconds to respond to His promptings. We can try to turn it off. Or we can follow through regardless of the outcome. I usually try to predict the outcome thinking I will look like a fool, or who does this sort of stuff anyway? And especially, "What will the other people think?"
Finally I stood and said, "Dr. Burgess, I hate to interrupt class but I must share what happened to me yesterday." "OK, Jerry, go ahead." "Well, I have been keeping God at a distance in my life. I was controlled more by fear than by love. But yesterday, I asked Jesus to take all of me, every part. And He did. Today I feel so much love I can't keep it in! I love you all!" And I sat down knowing I had obeyed. What a great feeling!
Well, on the way to my third and last class of the day, I got a jump start on God. Pleadingly I prayed "Not here, Lord!!" because Dr. Wang's class was not really a discussion, sharing, sort of environment. Dr. Wang is a Taiwanese genius (IQ of 300 plus). He has his morning devotions in Greek. And he was teaching us I Corinthians in Greek. He's the kind of professor who walks briskly through the halls, plops his Greek New Testament on the lectern and begins lecturing in strong voice. So, "Please, Lord, not here," I continued to plead.
Before class I settled into my usual seat and guess what? BOOM, BOOM, BOOM - "Stand up, Jerry!" Well, my heart said "Yes." The Voice was as clear as ever. And my head? It was beginning to figure out it is actually more comfortable to obey God than to fight Him. "Excuse my Dr. Wang, I hate to interrupt class. But such a love is filling my heart I can't keep it in. Yesterday, Jesus filled me with His love. He controls my whole life - Heart, soul and mind. And I love every one of you."
Whew! What joy to obey God! What I didn't anticipate was the number of seminary students who began seeking me out to ask questions of me, pray with me, and get what I had. Lives changed over that next month! What a blast! I had so much energy! Every day, every hour, every moment guided by the Holy Spirit of God who filled me to overflowing!
I returned to Operation Appreciation. The soldiers didn't intimidate me as they filed in. Instead I saw 300 empty hearts crying out for Jesus! During the entertainment I prayed down each row. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to descend upon these men in the worship service. And yes, I took my plate of sloppy Joes, potato chips and Kool-Aid. But I asked Jesus to guide me to soldiers really hungry for more of God. I turned into a room and found six soldiers sitting at a table set for seven. Sitting down, I listened, then began to share how much Jesus loves me and filled my life with His love, and how much He loves each of them. I did not force the issue. But each of the six men prayed inviting Jesus to forgive them, to fill them and to set them free. And Jesus did.
Yes, I reported in the circle afterwards, "Six soldiers gave their lives to Jesus tonight." Glory to God! Praise the Lord!
But actually the greatest love I felt after asking Jesus to be Lord of my heart I felt for my Dad. I have the greatest Dad and the most loving Dad in the whole world. He loved and loves his family. He always showed this by providing for our every need. He worked hard to keep us all in clothes, food, and house. In fact, we had more than enough! But it suddenly hit me that I had never really shared my love for him from my heart. I had never told my Dad, "I love you, Dad." We had the hand-shaking and once in awhile shoulder to shoulder hug type a relationship. But it welled up in me to give my Dad a BIG hug and let my love for him flow from my heart.
Shortly, just two weeks after Jesus set me free, my parents drove down from Ohio. I waited with anticipation for their car to arrive. Jan and I lived on the second floor apartment with a kitchen, a bathroom, a living room and a bedroom. My parents were driving a diesel VW Rabbit and anyone could hear it coming from three blocks away. As soon as I heard the clang, clang, clang of this Rabbit, I ran down the stairs and up to the car. And hardly before my Dad could get his feet on the ground, I threw my arms around him with my heart going - BOOM, BOOM, BOOM - and with tears streaming down my cheeks. "I love you, Dad."
He didn't quite know what to say except, "Well, yeah, love you, too." And this was the beginning of our bear hug, teary eyed, affectionate relationship that continues and grows today. My father loves me. I love my father. My Father in heaven loves me. I love my Father in heaven. He loves me so much He gave his Son on my behalf.
Jesus set me free! He can set you free, too! Would you like to allow Jesus to be the full Lord of your life, your heart, your soul? Would you like to pray right now to make Jesus Lord? Let's do!
"Jesus, not part of me but all of me. Come, fill me, free me, consume me. Forgive me for keeping you at a distance. Melt my inhibitions away. Replace my fears with your love. I vow obedience to you. Jesus, I now make you Lord of my heart."
Signed________________________________Date__________________
"Perfect love casts out fear." I John 4:18
"All a man's ways seem right to him,
but the Lord weighs the heart."
Proverbs 21:2
Who's In Control?
Do you have a heart for God?
Is it where it could be?
Can you shout his name aloud;
Because he's set you free?
Do you have a heart for God?
Or does your mind control;
The every action of your thoughts,
Your body and your soul?
Do you have a heart for God?
Is it something to be desired?
Just call on him to set you free
That's all that is required.
So if you want a heart for God
Don't be afraid to part.
Don't listen to your mind control
But listen to your heart.
by Stephen Grey
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Thanks for this honest testimony. The authentic passionate experience of grace is contagious. How much easier and effective ministry becomes when we are led by the Spirit and not our own understanding.
Blessings,
John
Posted by: John Unger | 26 September 2006 at 22:20
Stephen,
Thanks for your post. It took me back. I graduated from ATS in 2003, and I too went to Operation Appreciation. I tried the first three visits and then kept going. Before I knew it, I was following Steve Egbert as the Student OA coordinator. I went a total of four years, and I always look back on it with fondness. I had no idea God was going to be so good as to bring me into something as amazing as OA.
It also had a wonderful way of converting civilians, as you well know...
Richard Rudesill
Posted by: Richard Rudesill | 25 March 2007 at 19:31
Stephen,
Thanks for your post. It took me back. I graduated from ATS in 2003, and I too went to Operation Appreciation. I tried the first three visits and then kept going. Before I knew it, I was following Steve Egbert as the Student OA coordinator. I went a total of four years, and I always look back on it with fondness. I had no idea God was going to be so good as to bring me into something as amazing as OA.
It also had a wonderful way of converting civilians, as you well know...
Richard Rudesill
Posted by: Richard Rudesill | 25 March 2007 at 19:31